Thursday, March 25, 2010

Crazy eventually turns to Beautiful

So, I'm still new at this married thing, I would say. And I think I can safely say that Nick and I have had a "testing" time pretty much since our wedding day. Not so much between the 2 of us, but life all around us. It's felt a bit like the storm that hit nashville tonight. Life will seem good for a few days, hopeful, good things on the horizon, than BAM, hail, rain, crappy weather hits. Then a beautiful sunset and it calms and we start to think a sunny day has come, then BAM. Yea, you get the picture. Its been ups and downs for the last couple of years.

I'm talking deaths in the family, jobs lost unexpectedly, friendships lost or strained, plans that seemed certain put on hold, loved ones battling cancer, living tight financially month to month, then a good couple months, then back to living tight. You know those times when disappointment becomes such a normalcy that you don't even realize you've stopped putting hope in anything because disappointment becomes like a bruise that just keeps getting hit, and gets more and more painful each time....

We're there.. I must say we've become pretty resilient. We've become a team. We have been there together for the 2 am phone call that my Mom had a heart attack, and for the momstly silent drive to go see her. For the news that a diagnosis isn't what we'd hoped it might be, for the bill times when we try to make the money stretch further than it will. And through it all, I am so blessed to have him. We have seen God's faithfulness. We wouldn't ask to live this way, but we've learned to expect God to provide, maybe just in time, maybe just enough, but He provides still. I can lay beside my best friend every night, knowing we'll make it, together. Friendships can be torn away from us, nothing in life is for sure and this roller coaster is crazy fun some days and then others, I find myself wetting his shirt with my tears as we fall asleep hoping that the crazy turns to beautiful soon.

One of my best friends is a songwriter/worship leader out in Jacksonville, Florida. She has taught me so much of what it means to be strong yet to stay gentle, to be resilient but to be willing to admit when she is tired. I have seen them go through so many phases, some amazing, some struggles, and I have found so much respect for the way she handles it all. Some phases I have wondered how she still found the faith to stick it out, but she did, and she does. She is a picture to me of a faithful child. I know that God looks down at her and knows she is true, she is with Him through the thick and thin, and sees the beauty and the strength of character developing in her through these years of unknown, of struggle, of the narrow road she's taken.

So one of those things I'm learning is the fierce loyalty I feel for my husband. For how he is treated, respected, or not. I've heard stories of the Mama bear thing Mom's have for their kids, and I almost think there's something similar for a wife and her husband. I think I'd make him a pretty amazing Publicist. I'm pretty sure I'm his biggest fan, or maybe equal to how his Mom sees him. I can feel my claws coming out like Wolveriness about to defend the man who has won her heart and gone out to battle for her, but just been hit on all sides. Too much. I find myself saying that lately...."it just feels like too much." You know, I think we all expect tough times in life, and we sort of brace ourselves for when it comes. But I think we're in a permanent state of bracing. We're talking serious knots in these shoulders. haha.

In another light, I have seen a side of the man I married I might not have known was there for years. He is strong and graciously handles each situation head-on. He handles conflict so much better than I do, and is genuinely a good man even when put to the test. I picked a good one.

Life has its turns. Sometimes they're gentle turns, sometimes it feels like an old wooden rollercoaster's turns...the ones that give you that whiplash feeling and bang your head into the sides of your head brace meant to protect you. But the turns are all leading us somewhere..

And I feel like a pretty lucky girl to be going somewhere, with my best friend...

Monday, March 15, 2010

So much, so little time..

So much, so little time...and time's flying by us, it seems!!

Its mid-March, and I find that hard to believe! It is so true that the older I get, the faster time seems to fly. It's been the last 2 years now I've been doing makeup independently, and recently have had more time at home and have some fun shoots I've worked on.

Last week I did makeup/hair for some music videos for American Bang, 4 sweet Nashville guys signed to Reprise was 4 days of shooting different songs, and different locations every day! It was a lot of fun, great music, and I met some amazing, talented girls who worked with me on it.

Amanda Valentine is a stylist/designer who lives

Grace Stevens is a multi talented lady who is originally from London, and now lives here and she was running the show, all the details were going through her or decided by her. Amazing to see women handle authority and responsibility well, and to meet people I'd love to work with again!

American Bang is managed locally by Q Prime management, and everyone I met there was great to work with...

If you love Rock& Roll, make sure to look these guys up, the music was the kind you don't mind hearing over and over and....yea, you get my point, while they're shooting a song for hours.----

This past Thursday I did makeup/hair for a shoot with David Molnar photographing speakers and authors, Joel and Casey Johnson. What a fun day! The weather completely cooperated and the shots are going to be beautiful, I'm sure. They brought along their son, Lincoln, and while they were shooting, I got to hang out with one of the coolest kids I've met. Makeup/ was a fun day!

Joel and Casey travel right now with Teen Mania speaking at their ATF events...they've just recently released their first book together, The Divine Matchmaker. They're a beautiful couple and just amazing people and have fast become good friends of ours.

Life on the road starting back up....

We(meaning Superchick) are leaving this Wednesday for tour rehearsal and the first Spring tour that phase of my year is starting back up again! I'm excited and it's always a huge adjustment leaving my hubby and home and living out of a suitcase again, but it's always a good phase too. I always drag my feet going, and then I'm reminded that I love my band and miss them when we're home, and I love what I do and I'm so lucky to still be doing it, 11 years later..

I went red(my hair)this winter. Something I'd always wanted to try, so I did. It was fun, but I felt ready for blonde again, so I've been in the process of lightening again, and I'm almost there! I'm a bit more of a golden blonde than norm but that's better than frying my hair and having none. So, today and tomorrow I'm getting myself used to the idea of packing and leaving and remembering what it's like to live on a bus with 10(or sometimes more)guys..thank God for my sister!! I'll try to keep posting from the road, because there are always good stories to tell.

Monday, March 8, 2010

walking in the dark..

Every have one of those days? I mean, not just kind of one of those days, but full-on one of those days...

I'm not dramatizing little things that really aren't a big deal and just being an emotional girl. For the people closest to me, you know that the last, say year or 2 has consistently been disappointing for me and people I love.

Not to say that there isnt good. There is good. But the good, the people who love me and I love so much, the good moments, the great's all mixed in with a lot of letdowns, a lot of thinking something is moving in a good direction only to have the door shut, a lot of seeing people I love hurt and disappointed and feeling hopeless.

I'm not writing a woe is me blog. I'm writing what I'm actually feeling and thinking tonight. Tonight, enough little things hit me to just tip it. I'm a tired girl. I'm tired of getting excited when the good, the best case scenario just never quite seems to happen..

Sometimes when you share these kinds of thoughts with people, they can't actually handle it. They start to tell you how it all works out eventually. It will get better. God uses everything for our good. It will make me stronger. There's a reason for it all. They start to wonder if you're seriously depressed, if you should go talk to someone or its seasonal depression or whatever...

You've heard these "comforting words" before, havent you? Isnt it just ever okay to say how you feel, at the risk of sounding a bit hopeless or like a person who's faith might be put to the test at that moment? Well, it is, of course. Only the people who are like family, only the deepest friends, only people who really want to let you talk it out will listen and be okay hearing that kind of thing.

Sometimes I want to write songs about these days. But in songs, generally if its a sad song, you make it happy or hopeful by the end, by the bridge or last verse. But thats not always reality, is it? Some days you go to sleep still searching for answers. Still frustrated with the trite advice you're sometimes given, and still wondering how much you can take with your faith intact.

It doesnt always make sense. Life isn't always fair. God is sometimes distant in the long, dark nights when you so desperately want something to cling onto.

I'm tired of being in the waiting room outside of what I think my dreams are. I'm tired of just making it by. I'm tired of being hopeful to make other people think I'm okay. Tonight, I want to let myself be what I am inside. My heart is tired. I'm ready for God to show Himself in my life, in my family and friend's lives who have been waiting and praying for so long. Here's an honest thought for you. I'm tired of seeing people succeed and feel like I'm always cheering them on and acting happy but I'm actually thinking, why not me? I'm tired of seeing fake people who have really good social skills get ahead. haha. That one makes me laugh out loud. There's brutal honesty for you, and in the industry I'm in, I'm tired of seeing people use God to sound good and look good and who lead completely contradictory lives with the success it appears God gives them.

I'm not giving up. Its just a bad day. I don't always share these days, because its so tempting to put on the facade that I have it all together, that life is never a downer for tricia, to lead people to believe that I never get mad at God and His ways or what He allows me to go through...but I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be transparent with you. And with myself. And maybe that's the start of really healing in areas that feel really sore and bruised and burned.

In the midst of feeling all of this, I have a husband who loves me more than I have ever in my life thought someone could love me...seeing me for exactly who I am, best and worst. I have family and friends who encourage me, who see the best in me, who are my cheerleaders when I'm discouraged...there is good. There is love. Sometimes it feels like a scale, right? And some days one outweighs the other. Which side of your scale is weighing in heavier tonight? And are you willing to be honest with people when it's not the good "christian" answer?

Maybe tonight just being a tree in a story about a forest just isnt feeling like enough.

So, I just took my dogs out for a potty..I walked around the house and there's a spot where, at night, its completely dark and we have these stone steps in the grass to follow around to the backyard...I find myself every time, taking those steps I can't see, but I know that they're there, because I've walked it so many times in the sunlight. Some nights those steps just feel a bit harder to trust. But they're there. And I always find the right place for my next step, and then...there's the light and I can see again. Tonight I stood on the last step knowing that I was hearing from God during a potty walk. haha. Walking blindly might never feel easy. But we'll all make it. And if we step off the path just a bit, we'll still find our way..we might just be more cautious next time around.