walking in the dark..

Every have one of those days? I mean, not just kind of one of those days, but full-on one of those days...

I'm not dramatizing little things that really aren't a big deal and just being an emotional girl. For the people closest to me, you know that the last, say year or 2 has consistently been disappointing for me and people I love.

Not to say that there isnt good. There is good. But the good, the people who love me and I love so much, the good moments, the great friends...it's all mixed in with a lot of letdowns, a lot of thinking something is moving in a good direction only to have the door shut, a lot of seeing people I love hurt and disappointed and feeling hopeless.

I'm not writing a woe is me blog. I'm writing what I'm actually feeling and thinking tonight. Tonight, enough little things hit me to just tip it. I'm a tired girl. I'm tired of getting excited when the good, the best case scenario just never quite seems to happen..

Sometimes when you share these kinds of thoughts with people, they can't actually handle it. They start to tell you how it all works out eventually. It will get better. God uses everything for our good. It will make me stronger. There's a reason for it all. They start to wonder if you're seriously depressed, if you should go talk to someone or its seasonal depression or whatever...

You've heard these "comforting words" before, havent you? Isnt it just ever okay to say how you feel, at the risk of sounding a bit hopeless or like a person who's faith might be put to the test at that moment? Well, it is, of course. Only the people who are like family, only the deepest friends, only people who really want to let you talk it out will listen and be okay hearing that kind of thing.

Sometimes I want to write songs about these days. But in songs, generally if its a sad song, you make it happy or hopeful by the end, by the bridge or last verse. But thats not always reality, is it? Some days you go to sleep still searching for answers. Still frustrated with the trite advice you're sometimes given, and still wondering how much you can take with your faith intact.

It doesnt always make sense. Life isn't always fair. God is sometimes distant in the long, dark nights when you so desperately want something to cling onto.

I'm tired of being in the waiting room outside of what I think my dreams are. I'm tired of just making it by. I'm tired of being hopeful to make other people think I'm okay. Tonight, I want to let myself be what I am inside. My heart is tired. I'm ready for God to show Himself in my life, in my family and friend's lives who have been waiting and praying for so long. Here's an honest thought for you. I'm tired of seeing people succeed and feel like I'm always cheering them on and acting happy but I'm actually thinking, why not me? I'm tired of seeing fake people who have really good social skills get ahead. haha. That one makes me laugh out loud. There's brutal honesty for you, and in the industry I'm in, I'm tired of seeing people use God to sound good and look good and who lead completely contradictory lives with the success it appears God gives them.

I'm not giving up. Its just a bad day. I don't always share these days, because its so tempting to put on the facade that I have it all together, that life is never a downer for tricia, to lead people to believe that I never get mad at God and His ways or what He allows me to go through...but I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be transparent with you. And with myself. And maybe that's the start of really healing in areas that feel really sore and bruised and burned.

In the midst of feeling all of this, I have a husband who loves me more than I have ever in my life thought someone could love me...seeing me for exactly who I am, best and worst. I have family and friends who encourage me, who see the best in me, who are my cheerleaders when I'm discouraged...there is good. There is love. Sometimes it feels like a scale, right? And some days one outweighs the other. Which side of your scale is weighing in heavier tonight? And are you willing to be honest with people when it's not the good "christian" answer?

Maybe tonight just being a tree in a story about a forest just isnt feeling like enough.

So, I just took my dogs out for a potty..I walked around the house and there's a spot where, at night, its completely dark and we have these stone steps in the grass to follow around to the backyard...I find myself every time, taking those steps I can't see, but I know that they're there, because I've walked it so many times in the sunlight. Some nights those steps just feel a bit harder to trust. But they're there. And I always find the right place for my next step, and then...there's the light and I can see again. Tonight I stood on the last step knowing that I was hearing from God during a potty walk. haha. Walking blindly might never feel easy. But we'll all make it. And if we step off the path just a bit, we'll still find our way..we might just be more cautious next time around.

--------